I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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