I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
