why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
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They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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