Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
