Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
