Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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