My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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