This is not my ceiling
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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