Umm I'm too high to move.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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