Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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