Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
