ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
