I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
