the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
