i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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