How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
