I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
