My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
