Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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