i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
