my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
