Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
