new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
