So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
