Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
