Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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