i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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