My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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