...so i touched it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
