Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
