i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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