is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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