I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
