Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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