Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
