tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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