if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
