nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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