So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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