Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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