I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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