loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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