her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
