Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
