Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
