Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
