life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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