Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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