No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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