Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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