**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
