so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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