I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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