I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
