True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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