The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i came on her dog
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
