I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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